Last night I had a full-blown stress dream about my eyebrows.
In said dream, I was on some video conference thing (for a non-eyebrow-related reason, presumably…it felt worky in nature). The lady I was conferencing with just stopped mid-stream and was like, “your eyebrows are really distracting”. I asked what she meant and she pointed out that my brows were uneven and patchy. She asked me if I even look in a mirror while I’m doing my eyebrows. I grabbed a hand mirror (that was inexplicably sitting on my kitchen table where I was doing the video conference) and saw, to my horror, that she was right. They were BAD. There were spots where the makeup I had put on them was all gross and flaking off, even. I got super mad, said something along the lines of “YOU DON’T KNOW MY EYEBROW LIFE, BITCH”, and slammed the laptop closed. I woke up right after that so I don’t know if I would have ended up going on a violent rampage, or shaved my eyebrows completely off, or what…which is probably just as well, really.
My eyebrows ARE uneven in real life, though. The two sides grow in very different shapes. Both individual shapes are totally fine and I’d be happy with either one…but they don’t MATCH. The left one is long, it has a good arch and it tapers nicely after the arch. The right one also arches, but the arch is much closer to the temple side than my left one. Also, instead of tapering to a nice pointed tail, it just kind of grows a little further at the same width and then…stops.
It’s not like I spend hours agonizing over my eyebrows. I can kind of carve a little bit of a taper into the right one with tweezing, and I can kind of use filler makeup to draw the arch of the left one back a little bit and bring it closer to the shape of the right, but I’m no fucking Johannes Vermeer here, people. They’re always going to be slightly uneven and I’m at peace with that.
Or at least, I thought I was, until I had that dream. Apparently my subconscious is not fully convinced.
As long as I don’t reach The People’s Eyebrow levels of unevenness, I think I’ll be ok. Also, The Rock is not convinced that I am at peace with my eyebrow issues either. Maybe my subconscious IS The Rock? That would actually explain some things…
How Bad Can It Go? 
Brah, do you even mirror while you tweeze? I tweezed my eyebrows to uncompromising precision in high school, so that over time I eventually pulled all the unwanted follicle bulbs and the hair doesn’t grow back. I don’t have to tweeze any more. Which is a little sad for me because I LOOOOVED doing it. #sosatisfying
I read the words “Johannes Vermeer” but my brain processed it as “Jason Voorhees”. I was like, “Does he have good eyebrows? How does she know what his eyebrows look like under his hockey mask? … Does he have eyebrows drawn on the outside of his hockey mask? Now I gotta Google this shit.”
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Hah! At first I compared myself to Picasso, but then I was like “wait, he was basically the KING of fucked up eyebrows. I don’t WANT to be Picasso when it comes to eyebrows!”
I never tweezed in high school. I didn’t start messing with my eyebrows until I was probably like 25 or so? And even then, I didn’t really tweeze, I used those Sally Hansen wax strip things. Which, for the record? SO MUCH MORE PAINFUL than just fucking tweezing. But at the time, I was totally tweeze-aphobic. I used to wax my chin, too. Now I just go over it with an electric razor every few days because fuck it…it’s gonna grow back anyway.
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I wax my stash- I used to heat (and reheat and reheat) a tub of wax but I just get the wax strips now. I heat it up by holding it on the outside of a mug filled with coffee or tea. When it’s warm, I pull it apart, apply to my face, exhale and then RIP MOTHERFUCKER AAAGGGHHH. Then I have to look at the wax and see all the hair I just ripped out. Same with the Biore nose strips: apply, dry, rip and then LOOK AT ALL THE GARBAGE I JUST RIPPED OUT OF MY NOSE OMG SO SATISFYING.
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When I was 14 it was the fashion here (UK) to tweeze your brows to a single line. I didn’t go that far, but as I too must have pulled out the roots, they’re pretty sparse. And probably uneven too, but since they’re now grey as well, you can’t tell.
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We are all The Rock. Do not fight it.
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