I started writing out the whole story of why I have so much leftover quinoa in my fridge but honestly, you don’t need to know that. All you need to know is that I have roughly two cups of cooked quinoa in my fridge that I need to finish, and a sudden, borderline violent, aversion to eating it.

With that context in mind, I present to you:

Things I Would Rather Do Than Eat This Leftover Quinoa (in no particular order, and not an exhaustive list)

– climb a mountain…wearing flip-flops

– catch up on the corporate compliance busywork assignments I have been avoiding at work for the last six months

– sniff week old roadkill

– put on wool socks and then scuff my feet all over the carpets in my house where the relative humidity hasn’t topped 35% in months, and then touch a lightswitch

– enter a space where two pounds of bacon has just been cooked to cripsy perfection and not be allowed to actually have any of said bacon

– go outside and roll in the snow (actually considering this one, as it would at least wake me up)

– have Joe Rogan show up and do running commentary while I walk on the treadmill for ten minutes

– cut the dog’s nails

– listen to 90 minutes of Yacht Rock on XM Radio

– try to explain the concept of corporate personhood to a gaggle of six year olds

– eat literally any other combination of things in this house to make up the equivalent of the nutrition my meatsuit would glean from that two cups of quinoa

I’ll try again tomorrow. Maybe I’ll be able to face it then.